A love story nearly 40 years in the making

Treatment and prevention of HIV has allowed gay men to think about potential partners based on their character, not their diagnosis. Credit: Pexels.com

A friend was telling me about the man he’s been seeing.

What’s he like? I asked.

My friend described him as smart, attentive and cool. He said they’re having a nice time. My friend added that the man has HIV.

Right away, I realized that our total acceptance of that was a natural part of the conversation.

How far we’ve come.

I thought back to the early days where people with HIV often didn't tell others until they absolutely needed to. Gay men with HIV were often considered undesirable. They were shunned. Not worthy of a second look.  

Now, telling someone you’re interested in that you have HIV is part of courting. And even the language we use has changed. We used to say someone is HIV-positive. Now we say a person is living with HIV.

And that’s what it is. My friend’s friend has had HIV for decades. He sees his doctor regularly, takes his HIV meds and he has an undetectable viral load. He’s living his life and doing fine.

My friend is on PrEP, taking one pill a day to prevent HIV.

Their relationship is testimony to how to manage epidemics and how to promote public and personal health. We know from a ton of science that this new man with an undetectable viral load is up to 99% sure he won’t transmit HIV to his partner sexually. Add to that my friend’s PrEP, with a 99% effectiveness at preventing HIV in someone who is negative. Wow.

At the same time, I have to remember the sacrifices of patients, families and partners in those early days. A generation lost.

The HIV treatment era started in 1987. It took a long time, but what amazing progress in terms of the science and our culture.

My friend said it - that in years past, people walked away and didn’t want to be part of what was then called a “discordant partnership” where one partner was HIV positive and the other negative. But now, my friend is judging this man on his character, not his diagnosis.

That is progress.